when the status quo frustrates.

Pretentious effervescence, white trash essence

What do you think of when you think, sophisticated beverage?

If you answered, Coke’s new coffee-flavored soda, you’re a twat and Coke has some coupons to send you. I mean, coffee soda? COFFEE SODA?

Actually, I’m just assuming it’s a coffee-flavored soda. It could just be a bitter, caffine-jacked version of Coke. The over-sexed website is not helpful, unless you’re thinking that no one has breathlessly panted the merits of CocaCola products to you today and you need to remedy that.

Even though the website tells you virtually nil about the soda, it does allow you to make crappy mod art dedicated to it, and spam your friends about it. And “register for updates,” which, I don’t even want to know what kind of person is so excited about this product that they want Coke to email them about it at random.

Wait, I found a press release. Sounds tasty!

“Coca-Cola Blāk is not just a flavor extension. It is a blend of unique Coke refreshment with the true essence of coffee and has a rich smooth texture and has a coffee-like froth when poured. We believe we have created a new category of soft drink – an adult product in a carbonated beverage – and a whole new drinking experience.

I guess it doesn’t entirely suck.

In a way, it’s actually almost sort of halfway to good. Picture cream soda with a splash of cold coffee, but with the psychosomatical edge of drinking it out of a fucking Praise Jesus awesome glass Coca-Cola bottle. (Hopefully the glass bottle thing is for keeps and wasn’t just a special deal for today’s promotion.) The flavor is in no way overpowering or offensive, relying more on the merits of having a label that says “COFFEE” than, you know, actually tasting like coffee.

But they way they’re marketing it is, um, lame. “Coffee essence?” Is that like purity of essence? And why the forced sexiness?

16 Responses to “Pretentious effervescence, white trash essence”

  1. laura says:

    When I was in high school, sometime between 1995-7, Pepsi test-marketed a coffee flavored beverage in my area. It was called Pepsi Kona and it was delicious. My friends and I spent years trying to replicate it somehow.

  2. Does it have more caffeine in it? Because I’d be down with not having to down two Vivarin and 3 Diet Cokes first thing in the morning.

  3. Kyso Kisaen says:

    You know, the nutrition info didn’t say anything about caffine. I should hope it did, though

  4. Dykonoclast says:

    Where the fuck have you been? Here in Boston, we finally got bored of making fun of Blāk about a month ago.

  5. Andrew says:

    Coffee essence suggests flavouring, and not actual coffee, to me. Like Vanilla Essence isn’t the same as vanilla or vanilla extract.

  6. Auguste says:

    It’s horribly marketed, tastes very wonky, but did, in fact, wire the fuck out of me.

    Coca-Cola Blāk: It’s horrendiful!

  7. Kyso Kisaen says:

    Dykonoclast: Ohio. Without television. I encountered this stuff for the first time in Giant Eagle yesterday, on a big endcap display near the liquor aisle.

  8. Douglas, Friend of Osho says:

    If you think coffee soda is bad, try macaroni salad on toast points. When I was in junior college, I sold a cook at the hotel I worked at some ‘shrooms and he made the aforementioned for a reception the owner had for his yacht club.

  9. Kyso Kisaen says:

    Douglas, must you taunt us by ending the story there?

  10. Douglas, Friend of Osho says:

    Well, he got fired and I heard he blamed me for it, but that didn’t seem terribly exciting or edifying. Working in a hotel is a veritable Comedie Humaine. I worked for nearly two decades at a landmark SF hotel, which catered to celebrities. A certain talentless actor (who registered under the name ‘Richard Head’) threw his fork into his Benedict, complaining the Hollandaise tasted like Tang. He had a point, but splotching sauce onto my jacket got my dander up. On the morning he checked out, I scraped out the filling in his pains aux chocolats and filled them with Ex-Lax. Take that!

  11. Dykonoclast says:

    I haven’t watched TV since I was 15. But I guess urban dwellers are inundated with far more marketing messages even without television or radio.

    I forget what the exact number is, but evidently the number of messages the average American receives per day is in the thousands.

  12. noah says:

    the bottle looks plastic to me.

  13. rrp says:

    There’s some coffee soda that (AFAIK) they sell only in NYC. It’s not bad with a ton of ice. It’s like an espresso with milk and soda water. Can’t remember the name though.

  14. rrp is thinking of the One True Coffee Soda, Manhattan Special, which I’ve seen in Las Vegas but not the two places near my office in Manhattan I used to be able to get it at.

    Unlike Coca-Cola Blak, it is palatable.

    The trouble with CCB is thay don’t make it without aspartame. At least, I’m guessing that’s the problem.

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